I’ve been looking for meaning in earthquakes, thunderstorms, great waves rising out of storm driven seas. I want to be filled to the brim with excitement, with so much joy that it threatens to carry me skyward by the sheer lightness of self it will bring to me. I want to feel something so passionate that it obliterates pain and sadness.

Asking less questions and living in the trust that I may never grasp the entirety of how and why each path has led me from here to there is its own freedom. There are rare moments when I can come to peace looking into Krishna’s mouth, understanding my place as a grain of sand in a universe teeming with so many layers of existence. 

Like tides seeking the moon, I am drawn to the source of my disquiet. I feel weighed down by this constant pull, tethered to the source of my unrest despite myself, incapable of freedom or flight as I stay grounded looking for certainty in the midst of so much indecision. 

…things are just coming to me, flowing around me, carrying me along in some crazy kind of buoyancy, a leaf cast into waters, floating along eddies, drifting towards shores, released again and again into currents stronger than the impediments attempting to hold me.

The sun glinting against the snow this morning created refractions of light, sparkling pinpoints caught for an instant. I never again want to be blind to small miracles, to have a heart hardened by an inability to see clearly, or the desire to chase fantasies towards empty futures.

The hunter and its prey, something I understand intrinsically. I understand the obsession, even compulsion, of seeking redemption in destruction. Tempering desire with ration is a fine line to balance and hunger drives us all to strange painful edges.

Chance: the assumed impersonal purposeless determiner of unaccountable happenings.

If I could just stand still, in a bit of wonder now and then, in just the right place, I might understand that the structure of who I am is constant, the paths I travel serve a purpose, and the relationships I have are not variable, but are all crossings on an interconnected life growing from a center, stretching out far beyond my own breadth.

There are times when we feel the torrential downpour of change and there are moments when we witness it in a tiny drop of water resting before it falls.

The last year has involved a lot of letting go, tearing down walls, and entering some darkness I’ve been a little scared to descend into fully. Untangling, uncertainty, and, yes, a sense of understanding of how it’s all come together, just so.

I felt a pull inside of me, the yearning of these small fossils desperate to be reunited with the elements they were born into. It was as if the thirst still residing in the bones I held, caught for hundreds and thousands of years in dust, was pulsating out to me, its desire to be deep within the ocean tangible.

I am awestruck to stand on top of a ridge, and then, minutes later, find myself standing on a layer of bedrock beneath it, witnessing the fragility of something whose solidity I take for granted. Each step I take towards recognizing my own truth brings me to another layer of myself and a deeper understanding of how each event, on the timeline from the beginning to now, has contributed to my formation.